Fight, Flight, or Friend: How Authentic Positive Regard Can Change Our Interactions

Did you know that people can smell your fear? I write about this very common response to meeting others in this week's article and propose a solution that has changed my own relationships.

Fight, Flight, or Friend: How Authentic Positive Regard Can Change Our Interactions

Tatyana Wilson, MA, EDS, SHRM-CP helps people make great impressions with science-backed approaches and a carefully curated wardrobe of biologically correct colors, good tailoring, and elevated accessories. She writes at www.lightlovescolor.com.

Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash

If you’ve read my articles for any length of time, you will know that I'm fascinated by brain science. As it turns out, our brains are central to the way we form relationships. As many who study the human brain will tell you, our brains aren’t what “makes us who we are”, rather, they have their own tendencies and reactions we may or may not appreciate. Some of these might be awesome (feels great to get a runner’s high, right?), while others might be downright absurd.

One of the less helpful reactions is the subject of this week’s article: fear. You see, we’re wired to detect and respond to threats, with the amygdala playing a central role in processing fear and anxiety. I like to call the amygdala our freak-out center.

When we perceive danger, it goes into overdrive and prompts physiological responses to the perceived threats. Our adrenal glands release stress hormones, priming us for a 'fight or flight' response. Our palms sweat, our tongues cling to the rooves of our mouths, our pupils dilate, and we’re ready to respond. How helpful when all you’re trying to do is network or have fun at a party!

To complicate matters even more, this system can be activated not only by our own experiences but also by subtle cues from others. A relatively odorous study conducted by Mujica-Parodi et al. demonstrated this phenomenon: researchers collected sweat from individuals during two different activities—skydiving (to induce fear) and treadmill running (as a neutral activity). When other participants were exposed to the 'fearful' sweat, their amygdalae showed increased activation, even though they were unaware of the sweat's origins. This suggests that humans can subconsciously detect and mirror the emotional states of others through chemical signals.

This was such a sobering finding for me. It means that approaching new encounters with fear or suspicion may not only affect our own stress levels but could also inadvertently signal others, creating a cycle of mutual apprehension. Yikes, I felt a renewed sense of urgency to tackle any remaining social anxieties I may have had!

But how would we combat this? I recalled the topic of positive regard being brought up in various teacher prep and parenting books (like The 5 Love Languages of Children by Chapman & Campbell). I thought, “Why not see if there are studies that use the idea of unconditional positive regard to help us in our interactions and relationships?”

It turns out, yes, by consciously choosing to view new interactions with openness and positive regard, we can break this cycle, fostering more genuine and trusting relationships.

So, What if we stopped scanning the world for threats?

What if, instead of approaching every interaction like a battle to be won or an obstacle to escape, we treated it as an opportunity to connect, support, and find things we like in others?

I’ve been experimenting with this idea myself ever since—intentionally shifting my mindset to see each person with whom I interact as someone worth appreciating, not someone I need to evaluate, win over, or protect myself from. It’s a tiny shift, but also a huge shift. And it’s changing my relationships, my outlook, and the way I move through the world.

It turns out, this isn’t just a feel-good experiment. Science backs it up—when we shift from “fight or flight” to “friend,” we transform not just our relationships but our own well-being.

The Science of Positive Regard: What Happens When We Choose to See the Good in Others?

Psychologists Carl Rogers and Martin Seligman have long studied the impact of positive regard on our relationships and mental health. Unconditional positive regard, as Rogers defined it, is the ability to accept and appreciate another person without conditions, expectations, or a transactional mindset.

Studies show that when we extend this mindset to others:

• We experience less stress and anxiety.
  A study published in Psychological Science found that people who approach interactions with warmth rather than skepticism had lower cortisol (stress hormone) levels.

• Our relationships become richer and more fulfilling.
  Research from The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that expressing genuine appreciation for others led to stronger friendships and romantic bonds.

• People respond to us with more trust and openness.
  Harvard studies on warmth and competence confirm that people trust those who demonstrate genuine kindness before proving their abilities—making positive regard a social superpower.

• We stop seeing the world as something to fear.
  Neuroscientists at UCLA found that people who regularly practice gratitude and appreciation show reduced activity in the amygdala—the part of the brain responsible for fear and stress responses.

This means that when we stop scanning for threats and start scanning for connection, we rewire our brain for calm, trust, and openness—which affects everything from how we walk into a room to how we present ourselves to others.

The Problem: We’re Conditioned to Be Defended, Not Open

Society has trained us to analyze people for what they can do for us—or to guard ourselves from rejection, manipulation, or social failure.

• Networking? Make sure you impress them.

• Meeting new people? Stay guarded until they prove themselves.

• Talking to a stranger? Keep it transactional—no need for depth.

But this “what can I get from this person?” mindset is exhausting, and it robs us of the richness that human connection offers.

What if, instead of approaching people as potential threats or tools, we approached them as complex, valuable, and worthy of warmth—simply because they exist?

What if we made it a habit to find something endearing, admirable, or interesting about each person we meet?

Since I started doing this in my own life, whenever I meet someone new, I challenge myself to find one thing about them that I genuinely appreciate—something about their energy, their voice, the way they express themselves.

The result?

• I feel lighter. More open. Less cynical.

• Conversations feel easier. People respond with warmth.

• I leave interactions feeling grateful, not disappointed.

It’s a small change with massive ripple effects—not just for our personal relationships, but for how we show up in the world.

Why Positive Regard Isn’t Just “Nice”—It’s Revolutionary

Unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean blindly tolerating bad behavior or ignoring our own boundaries. It means:

• Seeing people as complex human beings rather than just their roles. (The cashier isn’t just there to serve you. The colleague who challenges you has their own fears and dreams.)

• Extending warmth without expecting a return. (You don’t have to “click” with everyone. But you can still appreciate them.)

• Leading with trust rather than skepticism. (Start by assuming good intent. Let people reveal themselves rather than making snap judgments.)

And here’s where this ties into my larger philosophy on presence, influence, and impact:

The way we carry ourselves, the way we dress, and the way we communicate all tell people whether we are open or closed off.

• People respond to the cues we give them. If our body language, tone, or attire suggests, “I’m guarded, skeptical, or waiting to judge you,” people will mirror that energy back.

• When we dress with intention, carry ourselves with presence, and communicate warmth authentically, we create more trust, deeper relationships, and stronger personal influence.

This isn’t about being performative. It’s about alignment.
It’s about showing up as the person who is genuinely open to connection—because that’s when people trust us, respect us, and feel safe in our presence.

What If We All Did This?

What if our default mode wasn’t defense, but warmth?
What if we trained ourselves to see the good in others before seeing the risk?
What if we changed our interpersonal habits not to extract value, but to offer appreciation?

This isn’t just about feeling better—it’s about creating a ripple effect of trust, kindness, and deeper human connection. I’m challenging myself to live this way. Will you join me? Let’s rewrite the way we move through the world—one interaction at a time.

This shift is subtle but powerful. It changes the energy we bring into rooms. It changes how people respond to us. It changes how we experience relationships, career opportunities, and life itself.

And it starts with a choice:

• Fight.

• Flight.

• Or Friend.

Which one will you choose today?

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”

- Oprah Winfrey

How to Cultivate a "Friend" Mindset in a "Fight or Flight" World

Start with curiosity.

• Instead of judging or analyzing someone immediately, ask yourself:
  “What’s something interesting about them?”

• Find something admirable—even something small—about each person you meet.

Assume good intent.

• Enter conversations expecting warmth rather than defensiveness.

• This changes the way you engage—making people more open in return.

Lead with generosity.

• Offer warmth first. Compliment something sincerely.

• Give without expecting an immediate return—most people mirror what they receive.

Carry yourself in a way that invites connection.

• Your posture, facial expressions, and tone all signal how open you are.

• Even what you wear can communicate approachability or distance. (This is why I teach intentional dressing—not just for style, but for influence.)

Shift your expectations in relationships.

• Instead of evaluating what someone can do for you, focus on:
  “How can I leave them feeling seen and valued?”

• This removes disappointment and attachment to outcomes.

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Until next time, dress well, my friend!

Tatyana Wilson, MA, EDS, SHRM-CP
Founder, Light Loves Color